(referencing my earlier post, I actually already started asking myself "what is revival?')

So, those feelings resurfaced again during 3 June's Pentecost Prayer Mtg.

Caveat- I was feeling extra irritable that week so that Prayer Mtg probably just happened to be the unfortunate last straw

1)What happened:

- the usual songs, prayer segments

-which became more songs, prayer for Revival and God's presence

-SP Daniel recounting the 1970s-80s Revival in ACS etc and exhorting us (particularly the young) to rise up and pass the baton on and for people to answer God's call to serve Him full time etc etc

-and we just kept singing till 11.30pm (half the songs I didn't really recognise) and I grew very edgy and annoyed, wanting to stand up and go home (like ono, why am I reacting like that to God's presence)

2)What I'm realising

-these were the same feelings I had back at ROLC, every time we had those supernatural night services that ran on and on and/or every time we had worship segments that exhorted us to pray harder, press in and usher God's presence -> why was I not feeling 100% connected? why was I not feeling God's presence in the same way others did?

-it's not like I never tasted these outpouring of tongues, laughter, getting slain etc but it never really quite sustained my walk?

-I question too much and too often. 

a)what does revival look like? is it really just tongues and goosebumps and a wave of ppl serving full-time

b)can we not experience God's presence in moments of silent adoration, without needing to "try" and "push hard"

c)what if revival looks different than what happened those 30-40 yrs ago? what if it actually means re-writing old narratives that our forefathers handed down? what if revival means reconciliation of differences? of people taking their places in the world (and not just full-time)

and... what if it just means us being filled with the spirit to carry on our mundane ordinary tasks with great Joy

AND THEN as I'm writing this post... I chance upon this liner in a S&L article "...This truth that God is present in the ordinary and the mundane is seen poignantly in the sacraments of the Church which were instituted by our Lord. The elements used in the sacraments of Baptism and the Eucharist – water, bread and wine – cannot be more common"

AND THEN I recall Rachel Held-Evans' book "Searching for Sunday" that uses the Sacraments as a backbone. 

and so, I think I really know why (maybe cos I am really searching for something more)

What makes me feel edgy and uncomfortable about LoveSG x Day of His Power x Conservative Church kinda narratives (not everything lah, but in particular those about society and family)

1. We have the better life because we are in the light. you are lost in the darkness

(er but no, "non-believers" can live thriving lives. maybe even more so than us? why can't we talk about learning from them???)

2. We need to uphold family values/ strong Christian families/ Strong families are the bedrock

I mean yes I'm all for thriving n healthy families. but

a. where in the bible mentions this?? (maybe I missed out/may be misinterpreting this but er last I recall Jesus told his disciples to leave their families?) is this merely some conservative evangelical US Christian worldview we borrowed. or maybe it's our Asian values coming into play

b.so where does this leave singles who don't start families

c. OH and actually,  "pro family" statement seems like the foil for our argument against the "gay agenda". i.e. "pro family" is mutually exclusive with a LGBTQ friendly society. but what about families who lovingly and wholly accept their LGBT children, their partners... do we not recognise them as strong "families" too?

3. What is revival ah

 Tidying up and consolidating my narrative on this church search, faith digging journey.

1)It started out as what seemed like a church search, to cleave away from the all-too-familiar familial. and to perhaps get my faith renewed, questions addressed 

2)I learnt some things about myself i.e. the "it is me, not you" that could have been responsible for my previous "miseries" or grouses. I witnessed vulnerability, acceptance of different shapes and sizes in the cell that made me reflect- had I really had embodied these traits?

Well it also opened my eyes to the tough realities and struggles of getting "people unlike the norm", "not-so cool" to truly integrate. on how people tend to gravitate towards the safe, familiar...and how we are all perhaps insecure at some times

While I appreciated and respected the community in cell, the warmth and family-feels of the church, a part of me still felt "hmm, do I really fit" into this mainstream Church narrative. 

3)then I started listening to Kat Harris, learning about Deconstruction, meeting E, hearing FCC..reading the Jesus I Never Knew

it felt like someone was addressing my doubts and questions.. and the questions just kept coming. 

4)then I realised, perhaps this is my journey of faith. It may mean rediscovering, unlearning, committing then eventually cleaving again. who's to say it's wrong?

(maybe confirmation bias but just listening to old recordings of WT prophecies- one of which is that I will break the ideas of having to do church in a conventional way HAHA) Well, we'd see :)

While browsing through old photos from the album titled "the adventures of miss twin twins" (the intention was to snap and print photos for my ambitious plans of making a 30th birthday card for my twin)... I was met with a wave of gratitude, joy and warmth. 

Ok apart from gushing over how cute I was/we were, I was reminded of how immensely blessed I am. 

Sheltered, almost worry-free childhood 

God's provision, the generosity of uncles & aunties

Friends, sisters who drag me along to do fun stuff, without whom I'd have a v boring life (no gym, no US trip, no scrapbooking, no yummy food...no staycay...no good deals)

Part of me always lamented being the girl with a smooth life/ the kid who received gifts only cos my dad's the pastor... but recently this Christine Caine post tugged my heart, with a different perspective (story for another day)

I've also realised the growth and changes I've made along the way. learning to be a more relational person, being less caught up about my grades & results & outcomes and my image.

Learning to accept my mistakes and parts of life that I cannot change

[So there: a turning-30 speech which also sounds like a wedding speech]

On a gloomier note:

Bumps on my forehead!!?? 

i rarely had any at 13- the queen of smooth skin, (and silky hair)

Now at 30. Is this... a foreshadow of a bumpy road ahead?

 Daily reflections

1) 21Feb otw back from a run/ dinner run

When you unconsciously do mindful walking, soaking in the sights that you never quite noticed before:

These leaves look like greens

Cabbage,Kangkong..this wang swee?

Hunger tricking me?🌱

2)22 Feb from my 0730hrs stretch and release class

Blue roller sinks in

Hello skin, * fistbump*, muscle

Now hold that sweet spot!

Author's remarks: These are original pieces dug out from my Notes, written some 2-3 years ago.

Enjoy :)

An Ode to Cai Fan 

Commonly also known as mixed vegetable rice or economic rice

Haiku:
Plate of Provision
Graced with Greens, Meat and Gravy
Saviour of bellies

Analysis:
The church is like a plate of caifan. 

Diverse dishes- splish splash shoved alongside one another 

...Some more solid food types than others(Hebrews5) 

Incomplete alone. But served tgt, we are a full meal for the hungry

Alternative takeaway thought:
Some caifans are more equal than others.
Scissors curry rice vs. Random kopitiam caifan

What did caifan look like in Acts?

K-BBQ ft. a protestant Christian and Catholic 

Haiku 
Faith catching fire
Fellowship of believers
Tickling my hunger

Afternote

We forgot the wine. It’d have been a perfect setting for a water-to-wine faith moment