Sunday, September 01, 2013

today was supposed to be a good day, and it was. just that it was also a bad-semisweet day

i've truly found the meaning & importance of having values, principles, and having something to stand for.
like what they say, "if you stand for nothing, you will fall for anything". something which i find to be increasingly (and scarily true) in my life.

Example no1: when we are talking politics, discussing social issues, exchanging POVs, i realise i have none that are truly my own. i take this bit from there, another bit from a module i've learnt, another piece of what i've ehard someone say...and come up with a statement rather unconvincingly and uneloquently. FAIL.

Example no2: i find it hard to strike up convos with strangers/ acquaintance-strangers
am i really not genuinely interested?  am i just afraid that there's nothing to talk about? do i have nothing out of my life to share with people?

AND there comes the grand finale to round it all up. i am questioning my identity. existential crisis never seems to go away.
- who am i, when i stand alone? who am i, when i am alone in a group, without a companion, without familiar faces. just me against others. do i just shy away/ form my own walls?
- who am i, when i have a bad hair-bad clothes day? am i defined by how i look- isn't there more to me? what do i place my trust in?
- am i who i am because of what i do (SW), am i benchmarking myself to this standard of "what a social worker should be like"

Who am i really, what do i stand for?

Calling for answers.