Friday, September 30, 2011

i've come to realise,after lessons on Lifespan,family cycles & observation from friends, that i've lived a strangely different life,too smooth sailing to be exact. Not because i had some extraordinary talent/psychic ability/maturity beyond my years that set me apart from my peers.
Its just that... i've never really went through a phase of of teenage angst, craving for independence and being defiant towards my parents. Sure, there were definitely times in my life when i felt misunderstood, frustrated and confused and instances where i upset my parents (and vice versa)..and the list goes on. But,
my repeated encounters with Erikson's stages of dvpt (thanks NUS) presented many questions for me. Have i actually resolved & moved on from the supposed adolescent stage of Identity vs. Role Confusion? Was there even such a stage in my life? or rather, am i even there yet? (which i think that by typing this out, i've just arrived there) I never really had problems with 'identity' per se. I mean there was never a doubt of me being my parent's daughter. the pastor's kid. the hardworking student. part of a loving perfect family. But at the age of 20, i'm finally beginning to question- who am I as in individual, apart from my parents? in church, its really easy to just live on & assume roles which your parents have- after all its just so natural that you 'carry on your parent's legacy', that you model yourself after these Godly individuals 'who also went to NUS'. that you be totally sold out to church activities such that you're shut out to the evils of this world
And maybe even in school, who am i apart from my friends? is there smth real and special about me that doesn't depend on who my friends are? that allows me to be someone different amidst all the sea of faces & the comfort of the crowd? that compels me to Take The Lead and not just follow?
Do i really have my own values and passions or were they derived from someone else? Am i ready to live a life that's a part, and not enmeshed in my family?
I'm glad i've come to this realisation which thankfully isn't too late. But yet it poses me with more questions. Is this yielding to my own self will- going to YEP over Empower, wanting to go on Exchange.. or is it a perfectly normal and healthy stage i'm embarking on?